rant: gratitude

@sirbentley.thedood will do the hibernating now

A couple months ago I wrote that I am taking this blog out of hibernation. I sorta did. I wrote here to help clear my head and heart. But everything I wrote was so...scrambled, like my brain and emotions. Things in my life have been a little wonky. Nothing earth shattering, just meh. In many ways it feels wrong to me to feel the way I do. I am healthy, I have family and friends that love and support me, I have a roof over my head and many of life's luxuries. I have plenty to be grateful for. What more do I need? I felt petty complaining about what was happening in my tiny little bubble. So I chalked a lot of those emotions up to stress, hormones, lack of sleep and a bruised ego. What has pushed me to reflect on my mental/emotional well being is watching friends and acquaintances bare their own heartaches and struggles. I admire their bravery. And I am grateful to see that broken and flawed is more the norm than Instagram perfect. AND more importantly, you can come out of the trials stronger than before. Other people's honesty have been a wonderful reminder everyone is a work in progress.

For me, when things get tough, I get overwhelmed. It feels like I'm drowning and free falling all at the same time. It is easy for me to go down a rabbit hole of self-pity and despair. I tend to focus on the what I'm lacking. I look back and question what I could have done differently. It never leads to anything good. And if I go too far down that rabbit hole, it takes some hard work to get out. But I try to only have these moments in private. It's very Asian of me. In Chinese, it's called saving face. You don't show how broken and beat down you are. You don't ask for help. You bury the pain and repress those feelings and keep pushing forward. You never let people know how shitty things really are. I am well aware that this isn't healthy. And I will say, as an almost 40 year-old adult, I'm much better at seeking help and reaching out for support. But the tendency is still there.

So to help with what I've been going through, I've been reading up on self-care, gratitude and mindfulness. These are things my kick-ass yoga teacher, Laura, incorporates in our practice. There's been studies and articles that talk about the benefits of being grateful and focus on the positives in life. It can be something as simple as being thankful that you got the last blueberry muffin at breakfast or something as grand as receiving a cancer-free diagnosis. I am choosing to see the silver lining in shitty situations. I'm also learning that it helps to set myself up for little wins and accomplishments. It does wonders for my bruised and battered self esteem. I like being able to cross items off a to-do list. And sometimes a little win is taking stock in the positives and being grateful for all the things I have.

So today I am grateful for:
  • Having the luxury of time to spend with my family and helping my parents move into their new home
  • Being healthy to do the heavy lifting and move things so my parents do not have to
  • Having wonderful friends that encourage and support me even when I'm being irrational
  • A husband who's got my back
  • A house full of doggos to love me unconditionally

My Accomplishments
  • Washed the dishes in the sink
  • Wrote a blog post for my long hibernating blog AND posted it


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