rant: life and death

today, my manager's grandfather passed away. he had been sick for a very long time and living in a nursing home. she said he hated it there...felt like half a person. so it was a good thing. he's no long in pain, no longer living half a life...he's in a better place. i hear her talking with her family and about him and all the arrangements...travel, work, funeral. and i hear the pain in her voice, the sounds of sadness and tears, and all the while doing her best to hold herself together since we have a MAJOR conference next week...oh, that she is in charge of. and i think back on when my grandfather passed. the funny thing is, our reactions were completely opposite. don't get me wrong, i was sad. but i wasn't SAD. i honestly don't even remember when he passed. i know i didn't cry. and even then i thought this isn't right...it's not normal. i even remember calling my sister to ask her if this was normal. i think mostly this is because i never really knew him. i have very vague memories and images of him...or what i remember him to be. but i never knew him as a person...nor did he know me. may be if it was a different life, a different time, things would have been different. i do wonder about him...what that is mine came from him...not so much in physical items...more on the genetic side. this just reminds me that we're not always going to be here. carpe diem sounds so trite and cliche-ish, but maybe i feel that way because it is the truth, but it is just hard to face.


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