A couple months ago I wrote that I am taking this blog out of hibernation. I sorta did. I wrote here to help clear my head and heart. But everything I wrote was so...scrambled, like my brain and emotions. Things in my life have been a little wonky. Nothing earth shattering, just meh. In many ways it feels wrong to me to feel the way I do. I am healthy, I have family and friends that love and support me, I have a roof over my head and many of life's luxuries. I have plenty to be grateful for. What more do I need? I felt petty complaining about what was happening in my tiny little bubble. So I chalked a lot of those emotions up to stress, hormones, lack of sleep and a bruised ego. What has pushed me to reflect on my mental/emotional well being is watching friends and acquaintances bare their own heartaches and struggles. I admire their bravery. And I am grateful to see that broken and flawed is more the norm than Instagram perfect. AND more importantly, you can come out of the trials stronger than before. Other people's honesty have been a wonderful reminder everyone is a work in progress.

For me, when things get tough, I get overwhelmed. It feels like I'm drowning and free falling all at the same time. It is easy for me to go down a rabbit hole of self-pity and despair. I tend to focus on the what I'm lacking. I look back and question what I could have done differently. It never leads to anything good. And if I go too far down that rabbit hole, it takes some hard work to get out. But I try to only have these moments in private. It's very Asian of me. In Chinese, it's called saving face. You don't show how broken and beat down you are. You don't ask for help. You bury the pain and repress those feelings and keep pushing forward. You never let people know how shitty things really are. I am well aware that this isn't healthy. And I will say, as an almost 40 year-old adult, I'm much better at seeking help and reaching out for support. But the tendency is still there.

So, this blog has been in hibernation for a bit. 😂  (complete understatement)

Possibly it was because I had nothing to say.
Possibly it was because I had too much to say.
Possibly it was because I had nothing going on.
Possibly it was because I had too much going on.
Possibly it was because I was too scared to write down what I wanted to say.
Possibly it was because I didn't think anyone wanted to read what I had to say.

But most likely, it was the fact that I focused my attentions elsewhere. Other things became my priorities. Other things occupied my time.

I started this blog years ago to work on my writing skills.  I wanted to be better at communicating my thoughts. I wanted to be able to say what I meant clearly. I wanted to make sure when I spoke, verbally or typed, that people understood me. Part of this exercise was for professional reasons; part of it was personal.

So, after several years away, I've decided to come back and revisit this space. I'm under no illusions that people stop in and read what I have to say, but that was never the purpose. I created a space where I could put my thoughts down for my own reasons. Selfishly, this is my space. If I'm able to help someone along the way, great! That would totally be icing on the cake. (yum....cake!) But I know it's a big pond out there. There's a lot of information being shared on the interwebs daily. Maybe I just want a tiny sliver of that.

Therefore, if you've stopped by randomly or miraculously still follow my blog, welcome...and thank you 😄  Bear with me as I get back into putting my thoughts on "paper". I hope you enjoy yourself here, or at least get a chuckle out of it.

💛,
M

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